Lighten Up, Plaschke

Hey, did you hear that a high-profile baseball player tested positive for a banned substance? Well, so did every sports writer in America. And they are all collectively freaking out. However, no one freaks out like Bill Plaschke freaks out. His words, as usual, are bold.

The best and brightest neighborhood in the Los Angeles sports landscape is a very different place today.

Wait, something happened to the Lakers?

Mannywood has officially gone to hell.

Oh no! Not Mannywood.

The giddy streets are lined in shadows. The colorful houses are painted in lies. The friendly shops are stocked with juice.

Mannywood, in case you don’t know, is a nickname for a section of Chavez Ravine (Dodger Stadium) named for Manny Ramirez and a way of defining the mania surrounding Ramirez in LA. Notice the juice in the friendly shops. That’s a metaphor for steroids. Plaschke is an awesome writer. Also, I love the idea of "painted in lies." It just strikes me like the kind of metaphor Michael Scott would use on The Office, like he'd say, "The Mona Lisa of our love is painted in lies."

Where was I?

Oh yeah, Plaschke was making super sense.

The mayor is a drug cheat.

See that? Manny is the mayor of Mannywood (not the founder?) and as such the “mayor” is a drug cheat. Plaschke’s got a million in ‘em. I swear to God.

Manny Ramirez dropped a bomb on Mannywood on Thursday, leveling the Dodgers' spirit, stripping the Dodgers' psyche, and blowing up the Dodgers' safe.

This is why I hate Plaschke so goddamn much. I mean, Billy boy here definitely has a flare for the dramatic. A dude failed a drug test and so the entire team’s spirit AND their psyche AND their safe (which I guess is a metaphor for money or something and I’m not sure what happens to the 7.7 million bucks Manny loses on this but if the Dodgers keep it then that metaphor is not only overly dramatic, it is also wrong) are all blown up. Might as well cancel the season. First place be damned.

He has been suspended for 50 games after testing positive for a banned substance, but it could be 500 games for all I care.

If you don’t care, why are you writing about it?

"You have to remember, there's still a human being behind this thing," said Manager Joe Torre.

Yeah, a selfish knucklehead of a human being who can no longer be trusted.

Bill, dude, take a deep breath okay. Manny did not personally piss on your first press of La Bamba. You’ll be fine, I promise. Hell, if anything he did you a favor by giving you a topic to over-dramatically milk for weeks on end.

The Dodgers can't build their team on fakery. They can't march to a championship behind a charlatan. They can't fall for his act again.

I actually once built a birdhouse on fakery (long story).

I would love for them to release him at the end of the suspension, but the major league drug agreement prevents them from exacting further punishment.

They can still release him though. They’d have to pay him. But they can do it. You should know this, Bill. You’re a baseball writer.

I would love for them to release him at the end of the season, but that would cost them $20 million, and no owner could consider that worth it.

But Captain Indignant here can still call for it because, you know, it’s not his cash.

The Dodgers can't trash him, so they must try to recycle him.

Actually, I think you mean: reuse. But if you do find a way to recycle him so that you don’t have to use the existing Manny, you should definitely turn him into a 25 year old again. Really. I mean get your money’s worth.

If Manny stays, Manny sweats. If Manny stays, he must face his various constituents with truthfulness and transparency, answering all questions about steroid use, a four-step program.

Also, he must wash my car and avoid sweets for at least a month.

He must come clean for the media who will relay his message to the fans who he has turned to suckers.

He turned them to suckers, huh? I think you mean that he suckered them. Unless Manny somehow turned an entire fan base into candy on a stick, which would be awesome.

He must come clean to teammates he turned into fools.

Again, no. Perhaps he fooled his teammates, but he did not turn them into anything, except perhaps a team with about 1.4 runs less per game.

He must come clean to the front office he robbed, owner Frank McCourt and General Manager Ned Colletti, offering sincere apologies followed by sincere explanations.

Again, not sure where the money Manny loses is going, but Manny has already apologized to them.

Finally, he must take this truth to the streets, becoming the Dodgers' anti-steroid spokesman for kids who listen.

Listen to me carefully, Bill. You just stated how this man is never to be trusted or believed again and now you’re campaigning for him to be the spokesman against the very drug with which he cheated. I mean, if he’s never to be believed then his anti-steroid campaign would make kids do steroids. That is crazy balls, Bill. You are nutso.

"I'd like for all of baseball to start fresh," Colletti said. "We can't all start fresh until we all start clean."

He then added, “And that’s why I use Summer’s Breeze.”

This wasn't happening Thursday because Ramirez skipped town, leaving the organization he supposedly loves to shovel up his mess.

Every time Ramirez said that he loved the Dodgers, he crossed his fingers. Also, I heard he was cheating on the Dodgers with the Angels. True story.

Yeah, it's going to be a long 50 games. But, no, I won't say I told you so.

Yes you will.

In earlier columns I warned the Dodgers against giving Ramirez a long-term deal because of his potential for combustion, but I never thought he would be suspended for something like this.

At least you didn’t say you told us so.

I was worried about him dogging it, not drugging it.

Wow, I guess he cared more than you thought. You should admit that you were wrong and come clean so we can all start fresh, Bill. You owe the organization you supposedly love at least that much.

No more. Now I think about the amazement I felt in watching Ramirez hit .520 last postseason and think, well, of course, nobody is that good at age 36 without help.

Well you know the expression: hindsight is Bill Plaschke’s perspective.

Now I think about watching the ball jump off his bat while driving in 53 runs in 53 games with the Dodgers last summer and think, absolutely, his increased coordination and endurance screams of steroids.

Manny Ramirez averaged .81 RBI per game in his career. Now RBI is a tricky stat because a lot of it has to do with how many players get on base in front of a hitter but still, we’re only talking about a nineteen percent increase in a small sample size. At any rate, apparently you can scream at Plaschke all you want and he won’t notice for months.

No, he did not test positive for steroids. But he did test positive for human chorionic gonadotropin, a female fertility drug commonly used by athletes to restore the body after steroid use.

Yeah. It’s a banned substance for a reason. He’s probably guilty.

Ramirez denied any steroid implications, claiming he was given the drug by "a physician for a personal health issue."

Again, the whole thing is shady. He’s probably guilty.

Yeah, and don't tell me, the physician was a cousin who can't be found, working out of a storefront that no longer exists? Yeah, we've heard that one before.

We have indeed. And I would never tell you that Bill. Just chill, bro. We’re cool here. We’re cool. Put down the letter opener, Bill.

After years of hearing lame excuses from lollipop-muscled ballplayers, excuse us if we don't believe one syllable of Ramirez's story. A more potent defense would have been an official appeal of the suspension, but that didn't happen, and that tells you everything.

Like I was saying, he most likely did it. Also, Bill Plaschke is the first writer in the history of the world to write down “lollipop-muscled”, a phrase which I am definitely using in the gym tonight.

Ramirez is the kind of player who would appeal a three-day timeout for throwing a helmet, yet he willingly accepts nearly two months on the sideline and the loss of nearly $8 million? That's all I need to hear. He was caught red-handed, but now it's the Dodgers who are blushing.

In Plaschke world, red-handed = red faced.

They not only accepted his explanation, but congratulated him for it. "The fact that he did take responsibility . . . that was big," Torre said.

Um, no he didn't. See Step 1.

I love this. Plaschke made a mild allusion to a four step program, never named the steps, and now he wants me to see step one. But I can’t see step one because Plaschke never listed it. Bill, this is insane! I can’t read your mind, man. Hell, I can barely read your columns.

And while the Dodgers have graciously agreed to close the two sections dubbed Mannywood, they said it wouldn't necessarily be permanent, and they would still hand out Mannywood T-shirts and sell Manny souvenirs, thus teaching children that baseball crime does pay.

Or maybe the lesson here is: life goes on.

"I don't think we have enough information to make a negative decision on Manny," said Dennis Mannion, team president.

Baseball obviously had enough information to make that decision. If the Dodgers truly support baseball's drug policy, they need to act like it.

Yes. They should kick him off the team, eat the $40 million they owe him and then kill his dog. After all, he did what 103 other ballplayers did in one year alone.

Contrary to the Dodgers' spin, Ramirez isn't just taking a vacation. When he gets back, he will be different.

He will be a Caucasian stock broker from Van Nuys.

If he was using steroids, he will be off the stuff by then. His swing will change. His coordination will suffer.

You don’t know this, Plaschke. No one knows what he’ll be like when he gets back because he ain’t back. Remember hindsight? That’s your thing, Plaschke. Not predictions.

The Dodgers can base their season on that, or you can get smart and move on.

Okay: third person to second person shift within the same goddamn sentence? You are a paid baseball writer, asshole. You have a Hall of Fame vote. Seriously…

They can celebrate what they have, a great young team in a lousy division. Andre Ethier, not Ramirez, leads the team in RBIs. Ethier is tied with Ramirez for the lead in home runs. Orlando Hudson has scored more runs and collected more hits. James Loney does little things Ramirez never did.

It’s a pretty good team. If the pitching holds and if they don’t put Pierre in the top six in the lineup, they’ll likely stay in first place.

And, oh, yes, in the first inning against the Washington Nationals on Thursday, Matt Kemp hit a grand slam that had fans screaming, and Manny wasn't anywhere near the place.

They lost the game though, Bill. Ended an impressive winning streak against a shitty team.

They should celebrate that. They should build on that. They should trade to make that better.

Celebrate a loss and then… trade… what? Who? The fuck?

This can no longer be Manny Ramirez's team. This can no longer be his city. Dead is the notion he can lead. Dead is the notion that he can be trusted.

This can no longer be his oxygen. This can no longer be his fruit salad. Dead is the idea that he will ever hit a baseball again. Dead is the concept that he is sentient.

Once a great town, Mannywood has become a ghost town.

Lighten up, Plaschke.