Lighten Up, Plaschke

Hey, did you hear that a high-profile baseball player tested positive for a banned substance? Well, so did every sports writer in America. And they are all collectively freaking out. However, no one freaks out like Bill Plaschke freaks out. His words, as usual, are bold.

The best and brightest neighborhood in the Los Angeles sports landscape is a very different place today.

Wait, something happened to the Lakers?

Mannywood has officially gone to hell.

Oh no! Not Mannywood.

The giddy streets are lined in shadows. The colorful houses are painted in lies. The friendly shops are stocked with juice.

Mannywood, in case you don’t know, is a nickname for a section of Chavez Ravine (Dodger Stadium) named for Manny Ramirez and a way of defining the mania surrounding Ramirez in LA. Notice the juice in the friendly shops. That’s a metaphor for steroids. Plaschke is an awesome writer. Also, I love the idea of "painted in lies." It just strikes me like the kind of metaphor Michael Scott would use on The Office, like he'd say, "The Mona Lisa of our love is painted in lies."

Where was I?

Oh yeah, Plaschke was making super sense.

The mayor is a drug cheat.

See that? Manny is the mayor of Mannywood (not the founder?) and as such the “mayor” is a drug cheat. Plaschke’s got a million in ‘em. I swear to God.

Manny Ramirez dropped a bomb on Mannywood on Thursday, leveling the Dodgers' spirit, stripping the Dodgers' psyche, and blowing up the Dodgers' safe.

This is why I hate Plaschke so goddamn much. I mean, Billy boy here definitely has a flare for the dramatic. A dude failed a drug test and so the entire team’s spirit AND their psyche AND their safe (which I guess is a metaphor for money or something and I’m not sure what happens to the 7.7 million bucks Manny loses on this but if the Dodgers keep it then that metaphor is not only overly dramatic, it is also wrong) are all blown up. Might as well cancel the season. First place be damned.

He has been suspended for 50 games after testing positive for a banned substance, but it could be 500 games for all I care.

If you don’t care, why are you writing about it?

"You have to remember, there's still a human being behind this thing," said Manager Joe Torre.

Yeah, a selfish knucklehead of a human being who can no longer be trusted.

Bill, dude, take a deep breath okay. Manny did not personally piss on your first press of La Bamba. You’ll be fine, I promise. Hell, if anything he did you a favor by giving you a topic to over-dramatically milk for weeks on end.

The Dodgers can't build their team on fakery. They can't march to a championship behind a charlatan. They can't fall for his act again.

I actually once built a birdhouse on fakery (long story).

I would love for them to release him at the end of the suspension, but the major league drug agreement prevents them from exacting further punishment.

They can still release him though. They’d have to pay him. But they can do it. You should know this, Bill. You’re a baseball writer.

I would love for them to release him at the end of the season, but that would cost them $20 million, and no owner could consider that worth it.

But Captain Indignant here can still call for it because, you know, it’s not his cash.

The Dodgers can't trash him, so they must try to recycle him.

Actually, I think you mean: reuse. But if you do find a way to recycle him so that you don’t have to use the existing Manny, you should definitely turn him into a 25 year old again. Really. I mean get your money’s worth.

If Manny stays, Manny sweats. If Manny stays, he must face his various constituents with truthfulness and transparency, answering all questions about steroid use, a four-step program.

Also, he must wash my car and avoid sweets for at least a month.

He must come clean for the media who will relay his message to the fans who he has turned to suckers.

He turned them to suckers, huh? I think you mean that he suckered them. Unless Manny somehow turned an entire fan base into candy on a stick, which would be awesome.

He must come clean to teammates he turned into fools.

Again, no. Perhaps he fooled his teammates, but he did not turn them into anything, except perhaps a team with about 1.4 runs less per game.

He must come clean to the front office he robbed, owner Frank McCourt and General Manager Ned Colletti, offering sincere apologies followed by sincere explanations.

Again, not sure where the money Manny loses is going, but Manny has already apologized to them.

Finally, he must take this truth to the streets, becoming the Dodgers' anti-steroid spokesman for kids who listen.

Listen to me carefully, Bill. You just stated how this man is never to be trusted or believed again and now you’re campaigning for him to be the spokesman against the very drug with which he cheated. I mean, if he’s never to be believed then his anti-steroid campaign would make kids do steroids. That is crazy balls, Bill. You are nutso.

"I'd like for all of baseball to start fresh," Colletti said. "We can't all start fresh until we all start clean."

He then added, “And that’s why I use Summer’s Breeze.”

This wasn't happening Thursday because Ramirez skipped town, leaving the organization he supposedly loves to shovel up his mess.

Every time Ramirez said that he loved the Dodgers, he crossed his fingers. Also, I heard he was cheating on the Dodgers with the Angels. True story.

Yeah, it's going to be a long 50 games. But, no, I won't say I told you so.

Yes you will.

In earlier columns I warned the Dodgers against giving Ramirez a long-term deal because of his potential for combustion, but I never thought he would be suspended for something like this.

At least you didn’t say you told us so.

I was worried about him dogging it, not drugging it.

Wow, I guess he cared more than you thought. You should admit that you were wrong and come clean so we can all start fresh, Bill. You owe the organization you supposedly love at least that much.

No more. Now I think about the amazement I felt in watching Ramirez hit .520 last postseason and think, well, of course, nobody is that good at age 36 without help.

Well you know the expression: hindsight is Bill Plaschke’s perspective.

Now I think about watching the ball jump off his bat while driving in 53 runs in 53 games with the Dodgers last summer and think, absolutely, his increased coordination and endurance screams of steroids.

Manny Ramirez averaged .81 RBI per game in his career. Now RBI is a tricky stat because a lot of it has to do with how many players get on base in front of a hitter but still, we’re only talking about a nineteen percent increase in a small sample size. At any rate, apparently you can scream at Plaschke all you want and he won’t notice for months.

No, he did not test positive for steroids. But he did test positive for human chorionic gonadotropin, a female fertility drug commonly used by athletes to restore the body after steroid use.

Yeah. It’s a banned substance for a reason. He’s probably guilty.

Ramirez denied any steroid implications, claiming he was given the drug by "a physician for a personal health issue."

Again, the whole thing is shady. He’s probably guilty.

Yeah, and don't tell me, the physician was a cousin who can't be found, working out of a storefront that no longer exists? Yeah, we've heard that one before.

We have indeed. And I would never tell you that Bill. Just chill, bro. We’re cool here. We’re cool. Put down the letter opener, Bill.

After years of hearing lame excuses from lollipop-muscled ballplayers, excuse us if we don't believe one syllable of Ramirez's story. A more potent defense would have been an official appeal of the suspension, but that didn't happen, and that tells you everything.

Like I was saying, he most likely did it. Also, Bill Plaschke is the first writer in the history of the world to write down “lollipop-muscled”, a phrase which I am definitely using in the gym tonight.

Ramirez is the kind of player who would appeal a three-day timeout for throwing a helmet, yet he willingly accepts nearly two months on the sideline and the loss of nearly $8 million? That's all I need to hear. He was caught red-handed, but now it's the Dodgers who are blushing.

In Plaschke world, red-handed = red faced.

They not only accepted his explanation, but congratulated him for it. "The fact that he did take responsibility . . . that was big," Torre said.

Um, no he didn't. See Step 1.

I love this. Plaschke made a mild allusion to a four step program, never named the steps, and now he wants me to see step one. But I can’t see step one because Plaschke never listed it. Bill, this is insane! I can’t read your mind, man. Hell, I can barely read your columns.

And while the Dodgers have graciously agreed to close the two sections dubbed Mannywood, they said it wouldn't necessarily be permanent, and they would still hand out Mannywood T-shirts and sell Manny souvenirs, thus teaching children that baseball crime does pay.

Or maybe the lesson here is: life goes on.

"I don't think we have enough information to make a negative decision on Manny," said Dennis Mannion, team president.

Baseball obviously had enough information to make that decision. If the Dodgers truly support baseball's drug policy, they need to act like it.

Yes. They should kick him off the team, eat the $40 million they owe him and then kill his dog. After all, he did what 103 other ballplayers did in one year alone.

Contrary to the Dodgers' spin, Ramirez isn't just taking a vacation. When he gets back, he will be different.

He will be a Caucasian stock broker from Van Nuys.

If he was using steroids, he will be off the stuff by then. His swing will change. His coordination will suffer.

You don’t know this, Plaschke. No one knows what he’ll be like when he gets back because he ain’t back. Remember hindsight? That’s your thing, Plaschke. Not predictions.

The Dodgers can base their season on that, or you can get smart and move on.

Okay: third person to second person shift within the same goddamn sentence? You are a paid baseball writer, asshole. You have a Hall of Fame vote. Seriously…

They can celebrate what they have, a great young team in a lousy division. Andre Ethier, not Ramirez, leads the team in RBIs. Ethier is tied with Ramirez for the lead in home runs. Orlando Hudson has scored more runs and collected more hits. James Loney does little things Ramirez never did.

It’s a pretty good team. If the pitching holds and if they don’t put Pierre in the top six in the lineup, they’ll likely stay in first place.

And, oh, yes, in the first inning against the Washington Nationals on Thursday, Matt Kemp hit a grand slam that had fans screaming, and Manny wasn't anywhere near the place.

They lost the game though, Bill. Ended an impressive winning streak against a shitty team.

They should celebrate that. They should build on that. They should trade to make that better.

Celebrate a loss and then… trade… what? Who? The fuck?

This can no longer be Manny Ramirez's team. This can no longer be his city. Dead is the notion he can lead. Dead is the notion that he can be trusted.

This can no longer be his oxygen. This can no longer be his fruit salad. Dead is the idea that he will ever hit a baseball again. Dead is the concept that he is sentient.

Once a great town, Mannywood has become a ghost town.

Lighten up, Plaschke.

You Suck, Hat Guy

My girl and I got back together shortly after my first post so no live blogging for a little while. But while we wait, we can always read crappy sports articles and mock them. We’re those kind of people.

Mike Celizic got paid actual money to write the following article. His words are in bold. Mine are in a state of perplexed curiosity.

We all know it’s dangerous to draw conclusions about a baseball season from the results of the season’s first month. So we’re not going to do that. But it doesn’t mean we can’t spot trends that aren’t going to go away quickly.

I love this opening because it basically kicks logic and fluidity in the crotch. Celizic is stating that it is dangerous to do x during y but it doesn’t mean we can’t do x during y. So essentially, it’s dangerous to make hasty conclusions based on limited data but hey guys, here is my hasty conclusion based on limited data.

In New York, the story lines are pretty well set, and they’re not exactly the ones we came into the season with. When the year began, we thought that the local team that was going to be angst central was the Yankees. The Mets had a veteran outfit whose biggest problem — the bullpen — had been fixed in a major way. We figured they’d be right up there fighting for the NL East, and the real suffering wouldn’t begin until September, when the Mets would have to face their late-season demons.

Wow. So… much… stupid. We (apparently all of us) thought that after the Yankees added two badass pitchers and a badass hitter that they were gonna suck but the Mets, who added a few good relievers while aging considerably were gonna be totally fine. We are apparently all a bunch of shortsighted morons. Shame on us.

We were wrong. One month into the season, the trend is already clear. It is the Mets who are team turmoil, struggling along under .500 and near the bottom of a tough division and with a pitching rotation that is in shambles. The Yankees aren’t lighting up the AL East, but things are starting to go right for them. Meanwhile, the Mets just keep getting worse.

This is all kinds of dumb. Yes, as of right this damn second, the Mets have a worse record than the Bombers, but the Mets have also gotten more unlucky than the Yankees. The Metropolitans currently have a run differential 14 higher than the Yanks. Neither are killing the ball but neither are doomed either. There’s more than 130 games to go! Sweet Jesus man, NO ONE knows what will happen based on one month. That was your premise, remember? Remember Mike? Way back at the beginning of this mess? Go re-read that line and just stop writing right now and don’t submit this article to NBC Sports or I just may have to mock it FJM style.

Oh, you continued. Well then, so shall I.

This isn’t the way it was supposed to be. The Yankees were the team with the bazillion-dollar starting pitchers, CC Sabathia and A.J. Burnett, who were going to have to prove they could stand the heat. Alex Rodriguez was going miss the first six weeks. And with the Red Sox and Rays to battle, a slow start could have buried them before they had a chance to get everything working.

Wow. Sometimes things just don’t go as planned. I was, for example, supposed to be a lawyer but I screwed that all up by not going to law school. And that wasn’t the way it was supposed to be!

We were sort of right about the Yankees and sort of wrong.

Wait. We came to two opposite conclusions at the same time? I didn’t think we had met, let alone found a way to create and confirm the impossible. This is so confusing.

The starting pitching has been an issue and middle relief has at times been non-existent. Chien-Ming Wang was a disaster area who had to be put on the disabled list not because he was hurt but just to save him from himself. Sabathia isn’t off to the hottest start ever. The offense has struggled at times, but it’s still scoring nearly 6 runs a game.

6 runs a game is good. You can win with that. Especially if you have good pitching, which the Yanks will probably have before all is said and done here. So your last sentence would negate your point but that’s okay because your first two sentences defeated any possibility of making a point before you even got to the point. So, I guess two negatives equal a shitty article.

And for all the teeth-gnashing and garment-rending in the Bronx over a rough start, the Yankees on May 3 were two games over .500 and in third place in the AL East, a manageable 3.5 games behind the Blue Jays and 1.5 behind their archrivals, the Red Sox. Phil Hughes came up from the minors to show he’s regained the pitching prowess he demonstrated two years ago. Joba Chamberlain has been okay. Sabathia hasn’t been great, but he’s pitching a lot of innings and he tends to get better as the season goes on. And A-Rod is just a week or two away from what promises to be a tumultuous — and long-awaited — return.

In short, there is hope in the Bronx. In Queens, there is only despair and chaos.

Despair? And chaos? That is ALL THERE IS IN QUEENS? Jesus this guy is over the top. A team lost some games at the beginning of the season = despair and chaos. Melodrama much, Mike?

The Mets’ new ballpark, Citi Field, is turning out to be a hitter’s nightmare. The geniuses who approved the design for some reason thought that epic distances in right, right-center and center field would be a great idea. Great for whom is another question. So far, all the enormous distances to the outfield walls have done is keep the Mets from scoring runs they desperately need.

So the Mets can’t hit the ball as far as their opponents and this is the stadium’s fault?

The Yankees are getting A-Rod back. The Mets are getting nothing. So bad have things gotten that the home fans have taken to booing All-Star third baseman and former golden boy David Wright. Playing as if the weight of the entire team is on his shoulders, Wright has become famous for failing in the clutch.

Wright’s numbers with runners in scoring position are definitely down. But career-wise, he’s been fantastic. Let’s not give him the A-Rod Choke-O-Matic Award just yet, Mike.

In the offseason, the Mets lavished $36 million on starter Oliver Perez for the next three years.

For the record, I thought this was a dumb move. Ollie’s maybe a 4 million a year starter so I got to say that I got Mike’s back… er, hat, here.

After putting up a 9.97 ERA in his first five starts, Perez is out of the rotation already. Johan Santana has done his part, pitching to a 1.10 ERA, but the other starters have been disasters. Mike Pelfrey is 3-0 but his ERA is 6.00. Livan Hernandez’s is 6.75 and John Maine’s is 5.75. And unlike the Yankees, the Mets have no one on the farm ready to step into the breach.

Pelfrey’s WHIP is a gawdaful 1.8 something and his career WHIP is a gawdawful 1.50 so he has definitely gotten lucky with the three wins and will probably need to be replaced if he continues at that rate (he ain’t even striking out three a game). Livan Hernandez is old and in decline but still K-ing 5/9. I wouldn’t give up on him just yet but there is cause for concern. His contract was a little stupid, even by New York standards. John Maine has not been impressive, but Mike, he has never been impressive. His ‘09 numbers are almost identical to his career numbers. And while we’re here, Hernandez’s WHIP is also pretty much identical to his career numbers so basically, when you said that filling the relief needs was all the Mets needed to win, you were being shortsighted and dumb. But then, that is your style.

The fans are losing patience and pointing fingers. The first culprit singled out is general manager Omar Minaya and after him manager Jerry Manuel. But the fans also know there’s no hope of either going anywhere. The Mets’ owner, Fred Wilpon, lost hundreds of millions of dollars to Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme, and although the Wilpon family has said it has other money to run the team, they don’t have money to keep paying ex-managers and ex-GM’s who still have years left on their contracts, not when they’re still paying former manager Willie Randolph, who got fired early last year for fewer sins than Manuel has already committed this year.

What? What sins has Manuel committed? You can’t just call a guy a killer and then not name a victim. That’s not journalism. Hell, that’s not even logical. And not for nothing, but I would say that the first reason the Mets aren’t doing well is pitching, the second is hitting, the third is Bernie Madoff, the fourth is the teams they’ve played and the nineteenth is Manuel. I mean, what has he done wrong?

Nor are the Mets likely to add payroll in a trade to make things better. Mets’ fans know they may be looking at a very long season, a season in which the September collapse could be accomplished by the end of May.

This is not possible in New York. I guarantee, they will still be in the middle of this thing by the end of May. Your hyperbole is growing tiresome, Mike. Why do people pay you to write again?

While the Mets may be the bigger disaster, the news cycles still revolve around the Yankees. That’s one preseason prediction that never changes. No matter how well or how badly the Yankees play, there will always be controversy surrounding them.

True. Meaningless in terms of your point. But true nonetheless.

It’s not the Bronx Zoo like the maniacal outfit that gave birth to the name in the 1970s when Billy Martin was the psycho whip-cracker, Reggie Jackson was the main attraction, George Steinbrenner was the demented owner and the fractious clubhouse was loaded with bigger-than-life personalities.

Wait. You’re saying that it’s not 1978? Well, I’ll be damned.

Today’s Bronx Zoo has just one exhibit. That would be the A-Rod cage, where the nation’s most famous specimen of Jockus Egotisticus is gawked at and hooted at — and even cheered — by more than 40,000 visitors a day.

What about the Joba Chamberlain’s Mom Sold Meth to a Cop Exhibit or the Derek Jeter is Too Old to Effectively Play Shortstop Exhibit? Don’t sell those short. Also, what is your point?

For the Yankees — and the tabloids — that’s enough.

And that’s how it ends. No prediction, no analysis, no food metaphors, just… nothing. A long rambling spiel that could be summed up in one sentence: Yankees and Mets off to slow starts.

You suck, Hat Guy.